"Maybe it's all in your head"

I heard this sentence too many times. Hearing it one time is one time too many already. I think I've been told this by doctors at least 3 times. If I remember correctly, the first time when I was 11 years old. ELEVEN. Let that sink in. I had been admitted to hospital because I didn't tolerate physical activity very well, I kept fainting during PE class or after climbing too many stairs at school (didn't have to at home as we lived on the ground floor). I was constantly out of breath, I had fevers on and off, my blood pressure was pretty low and I felt like absolute crap. The hospital made me stay for a week, running a few different tests only for a young doctor fresh from university to tell me "maybe it's all in your head". My mom later told me I looked at the doctor as if I wanted to kill her. Well, my symptoms continued for some more time until my mother decided to get me seen by a lung specialist and tadaaaa, turns out I have asthma (and a nasty infection at the time). So much for it being just in my head. The next time a doctor told me (or rather my mom) this sentence no patient should ever have to hear, I was 13. I had many lung infections the year before and each time, I would cough up blood, which to some extent can be normal with infections of the lung. But soon, I also started to have heavy nosebleeds, bruises all over, my period had gotten so heavy that even the biggest sized tampon would only last 30 minutes and I was as pale as chalk, had a permanent headache, was constantly freezing and looked more dead than alive. I was sent to a specialist for blood disorders, and he took 7 of those plastic thingies full of blood, knowing I was severely anemic. When he was done, he ordered me to get up and leave, even though I was only semi conscious. I wasn't offered a glass of water or a piece of fruit or something, instead my mom was sent away with a semi conscious child barely able to walk or do anything really. All I said the entire time was that I was cold. It was 20 degrees Celsius outside, and I wore my winter jacket, still freezing. Then I couldn't stop throwing up and got a fever. I was passed out on the couch for the entire day, my mom had called my doctor in the meantime who immediately prescribed me high dose iron pills. The specialist when we told him about the side effects of his way of treating me just mumbled something like "well maybe she's afraid of needles" and then proceeded to tell us that "maybe these bruises, nose bleeds and heavy periods are just a product of your imagination". They weren't. Because why else would I have been so anemic. But maybe the anemia was in my head too. Two years later, I was prescribed birth control for my heavy periods (and associated pain that not even morphine could resolve) and the heavy bleeding stopped ever since.
A few days ago, I was told this again. I'm 18 now. I just switched from child medicine to adult medicine and I can say that it's chaotic and confusing. I have been sick my entire childhood, I don't know anything else. Maybe this is why the doctor also said that "maybe you don't want to get healthy, you're afraid of it". No. Because there have always been times when I felt fine. And those times were amazing. If I could, I would get rid of all my health problems immediately. Because, surprise, I've had enough of waiting rooms, ER visits, hospital admissions, blood draws, pharmacists already knowing my name because I come in so frequently, pills and other medications, feeling awful and-the worst thing of them all-hearing "maybe it's all in your head". Especially from people who should know better. Each time I hear that sentence, part of me wants to explode and tear down the room I'm in, but there's another part that remains totally calm, looks the other person in the eye and smiles, knowing that I won't ever come back to this medical professional. Each time I'm told this, I start to fight again, to look for better doctors and better ways of helping myself. Because invisible doesn't mean imaginary.

The Walrus