Graduation and this so called "moving on"
It was my classes graduation last weekend. I didn't graduate. I'll repeat my last year of high school because due to my health I was out of school since November. I'm grateful to be given this opportunity, considering that I attend boarding school and that we rely on scholarships provided by private donors and foundations.
I'm lucky that I was able to attend closing weekend and the graduation ceremony, but this will never be able to make up for everything I missed during the 6 months that I wasn't there. Standing in the mensa line, talking to people. Eating together, cleaning together, being in class together and doing homework together. Studying and cursing the IB. Laughing. Going to the mall and having ice cream. Christmas dinner and winter ball. Spring day, special focus days, school trips. Birthdays, other celebrations and late night talks. I wasn't there when my friends needed me. I wasn't there to be a shoulder to cry on, to bring them food when they were sick, to comfort them when they were overwhelmed, to give advice, to give hugs and to motivate them. I wasn't there to witness all the good things and the bad things that happened in their lives. This hurts like hell. Of course I had an awesome weekend and I'm more than proud of them, but still, I hurt. My heart split into a thousand pieces as I had to say goodbye, and still, it's bleeding from the thought of having to survive without them next year. I just can't imagine my school without them, they made this place home, made me feel loved and helped me through my struggles. Who's gonna do that now? Not only will I be surrounded by 100 strangers, but by 200 strangers next year and while it shouldn't be impossible to make friends, it will be hard. I never really got to know my year 11 students, apart from maybe 2 people because before I got the chance to my health forced me to return home. I don't know the incoming year 11 students of course and I will have to miss orientation week so when I'll arrive in early September, I'll also be a complete stranger to them. The only people I will still know are my teachers, but my relationship with them has become more difficult since I struggled so much with my health. They don't know how to deal with me in real life anymore. Sure, via email we can still talk like we used to but during the weekend I realized that they find it difficult to actually talk to me apart from small talk. Maybe chronic illnesses create an invisible wall around you, that you can't see but others do. And this terrifies me. I can tell that they have millions of questions yet they are too afraid to ask them and this saddens me.
My friends now have to move on without our beloved school, and I'll have to move on without my friends. I don't think either of us will ever get entirely over it. I hope my friends will find their place in this world as they go on their journeys, may it be a gap year or university and that we will stay in contact as promised. This whole "moving on" is a weird concept. Because how do you move on when you have been ripped into pieces?
The Walrus
I'm lucky that I was able to attend closing weekend and the graduation ceremony, but this will never be able to make up for everything I missed during the 6 months that I wasn't there. Standing in the mensa line, talking to people. Eating together, cleaning together, being in class together and doing homework together. Studying and cursing the IB. Laughing. Going to the mall and having ice cream. Christmas dinner and winter ball. Spring day, special focus days, school trips. Birthdays, other celebrations and late night talks. I wasn't there when my friends needed me. I wasn't there to be a shoulder to cry on, to bring them food when they were sick, to comfort them when they were overwhelmed, to give advice, to give hugs and to motivate them. I wasn't there to witness all the good things and the bad things that happened in their lives. This hurts like hell. Of course I had an awesome weekend and I'm more than proud of them, but still, I hurt. My heart split into a thousand pieces as I had to say goodbye, and still, it's bleeding from the thought of having to survive without them next year. I just can't imagine my school without them, they made this place home, made me feel loved and helped me through my struggles. Who's gonna do that now? Not only will I be surrounded by 100 strangers, but by 200 strangers next year and while it shouldn't be impossible to make friends, it will be hard. I never really got to know my year 11 students, apart from maybe 2 people because before I got the chance to my health forced me to return home. I don't know the incoming year 11 students of course and I will have to miss orientation week so when I'll arrive in early September, I'll also be a complete stranger to them. The only people I will still know are my teachers, but my relationship with them has become more difficult since I struggled so much with my health. They don't know how to deal with me in real life anymore. Sure, via email we can still talk like we used to but during the weekend I realized that they find it difficult to actually talk to me apart from small talk. Maybe chronic illnesses create an invisible wall around you, that you can't see but others do. And this terrifies me. I can tell that they have millions of questions yet they are too afraid to ask them and this saddens me.
My friends now have to move on without our beloved school, and I'll have to move on without my friends. I don't think either of us will ever get entirely over it. I hope my friends will find their place in this world as they go on their journeys, may it be a gap year or university and that we will stay in contact as promised. This whole "moving on" is a weird concept. Because how do you move on when you have been ripped into pieces?
The Walrus
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